Claire's Journey... Raw, Real & Honest. Not for anyone under the age of 18.

Last night I had a breakdown, I thought about my kids, I thought about my dad and I thought about my family. I just sobbed and sobbed for hours, I wanted to die. I had my mate with me and I just let it all out, I cried and said I couldn't stick one more needle in my arm or take one more plunge of juice (GHB) , he told me if that's what I wanted then I can do it, that he will be there for me over the next few days while I come down. I was so sure I was going to end my life last nigh because I was truly done. Day 1 and I feel like im going to throw up, shit myself, the sweats have started , my body hurts , my skin hurts and my head feels like its been bashed in. I can do this I just need to get through this. I couldn't wait to go to detox , I felt as though I was dying each time I shot up drugs, I truly didn't think I was going go make it to detox so im doing it now.

As i look down at my arm im reminded not to give up. As i look into my eyes I see nothing but pain and misery. I have nothing in my life anynore because that's what this drug does. Today I was told im not allowed to see my children or have video calls with them but am able to have the occasional phone call with them as long as my sister thinks im fit too, because they want me to go to detox and rehab first, so it's going to be a really long time until I see my babies and I havbt quite got my head around that because it hurts so much, its my baby girls 10th birthday in a few weeks and she's going to be absolutely shattered because we had her birthday all planned out we even went online shopping with shein and ordered matching dresses, now I just feel like I've ruined her birthday. Like wow look what I've put my kids through in the last 7 months, back in December I tried to take my life by overdosing on muscle relaxants and ended up in a comba on life support, then...

This isn't really a blog entry that anyone who has an emotional connection and loves me should read as its probably going to be a bit too raw and confronting. The first photo is my Facebook page for 'Recovering Loud and Proud' please follow me if you're interested in my journey or seeking support yourself or whatever reason other then negativity... I also have my merchandise ive created but yet to be made as I'm waiting to see if this all kicks off and I can build a online community/online family across the world where we can go and vent without judgement, share ideas, offer support ect. As for the second photo, I find to be a little confronting. This is a photo I can't remember taking sometime last week. I guess i wanted to see how i looked straight after i had a shot of meth. Its not a pretty site, this is me at some stupid hour of the night meeting up with a dealer outside a car wash to score in another suburb and then pulling down a deserted street wei...

Its been a little over 3 months since dad passed while under the influence. In the beginning i spoke to myself and promised i wouldn't turn to drugs like i did when pop passed away infront of me. I was hanging in there for a while and even got myself clean at one point but the panic attacks, hurt, anger, sadness, regret, it all just got to much and kept eating me up inside, the nightmares began and everyday things became harder and harder. The thought crossed my mind so many times to just fuck off from everyone and hit the drugs hard to numb what I was feeling and stop these panic attacks that took alot out of me, it was exhausting, but I hung in there as long as i could and then i just couldn't take it anymore, I couldn't handle the pain I was feeling and its such a complicated grief because my dad battled addiction and mental health and occasionally over the years we dabbled in drugs, it was only ever marijuana until i pushed him to relapse on ice a couple months befor...

Last Thursday I was brought into hospital by somebody I'd been hanging out with because mentally I had shut down, I hardly remember it, I just remember the psych nurse saying they were holding me for crisis containment, I ended up being in there for 4 or 5 days, they detoxed me and I slept for days, coming down was horrible but they were feeding me so much valium and anti psychotics. Tonight I spoke to my children for the first time in 3 weeks and my daughters got upset on the phone and that shattered me but I expected it. I've promised I will speak to them by phone every night, ive also cleaned my house and done 3 loads of washing so im proud of myself there. im about to write down all the goals I want to achieve, I may not care or love myself but my children need me and I can't keep letting them down. I hope and pray that rehab is just around the corner, im so ready to turn my back on this lifestyle of drugs and crime, I just want a normal life again, like how it use ...

Had all night to think about what I really want, something I don't really like doing as it comes with emotions and feelings which is what I aim to avoid and is majority of the reason why I use. I ended up making a list of things I need to do and my goal is to do it all by Sunday. Today I managed to achieve one of those things and im proud of myself for doing something normal. spent most of the night out with music pumping then I decided it was time to try and get some normality back in my life. The child protection worker called me in the morning and honestly it was a blessing because I finally broke down and just spilled out everything and she said she was really worried about me and is going to contact my drug and alcohol worker to try get me into detox quicker. I spent the night thinking back to my sober days and how good it felt to be alive, unfortunately when things happen in my life like grief I have a habit of trying to push on and then all of a sudden it just hits me and ...

I don't even recognise myself anymore, tonight im really thinking about changing my life, I just can't seem to pull myself out of this negative self talk that I give myself... how do i go from having goals and shit to just being a full blown junkie, its like im not even the same person its like someone else invaded my body a week ago and just took over. My left nostril is constantly bleeding because my nose is cracked from all the drugs, I put makeup on to cover the sores, my stomach hurts because I don't know when my last meal was, like nothing about this is good so why the fuck am I doing this shit for honestly, it doesn't make sense, its the definition of insanity. I got 3 years sober once and I know i can do it again i just got to figure out how, I look around as i sit there and we all pass the pipe and think look at us, we got nothing, why are we all doing this, I see people juicy as fuck and all over the place getting naked and shit and think this isn't norm...

Day 2 of wearing the same clothes, forever stuck in this car going everywhere but home. Stuck in this hole that I can't seem to climb out of, so much negative self talk towards myself, I managed to come down over the weekend and when I say come down I mean I came down hard, slept heaps and the sweat just poured off me as the toxins tried to escape my body, I felt like my head was being crushed and my body ached the only thing that fixed it was getting high again yesterday and today but the drugs don't seem to hit like they use to, ive been doing this long enough to know that im in a pretty big hole and its going to take a army to get me sober again,. I can't believe im in this position again, it hasn't been this bad in years. I think I need to ask my drug and alcohol worker if she can get my into detox, completely remove myself from the situation. I can't let my family and kids see me like this, in ashamed of myself and I know im not in a good place. Hanging ar...

im broke down and tired, I had a couple of days where I relapsed and I hit it pretty hard, at one point my chest ached, my heart had palpitations but that didn't stop me, what's another shot of meth right? I passed out 3 times. My body can't take it anymore, it scares the hell out of me but yet I keep going back to it and I don't know why. I'm so ready to just cut everyone off because maybe it's better that way, nobody will have to see the aftermath of my relapse. I havnt even seen my kids in nearly 2 weeks, I sit there going through my videos and pictures on my phone of the kids and the tears just flow as my heart shatters even more, I don't think anyone actually realises how much it shatters me and rips me apart not having my kids, they all probably just think im some unstable junkie. I don't even like being high, I do it the most dangerous way, i inject methamphetamine and I inject lethal amounts, I know its disgusting, it makes me feel sick, dizzy...

https://brand.page/clairejourneytoabetterlife Today has gone by fast, Ive had alot of anxiety and a moment that lasted maybe an hour an half where nothing felt real, my body was numb and I felt very confused. But I have put alot of hours into creating my online buisness and i officially own the slogan that i have posted above, I payed for it and got my very own website, I did try and add the link to this blog entry but not sure if it worked and to be honest I don't really want to spend anynore time fixing it playing around with things just to make the link work so you might have to copy and paste the URL into your browser. I don't even know if this is going to be a success or not but you know what its actually keeping me clean and sober. I dedicate hours into all this online forum stuff that I have created and it keeps my mind busy. I've already got merchandise im tweaking in hopes that I'll get some donations through my pay pal to help me purchase my merchand...

Dark Personality Swap In a dissasocitive state  With a cigarette in my mouth you can see the disassociation or more so the personality swap. On Friday I had an absolute meltdown, it was a severe dissasocitive episode, it started out with me obsessively messaging a friend for 2 hours straight making absolutely no sense, which then turned into me hyperventilating walking around the house talking to myself saying "this isn't happening this can't be happening your okay", at one point i looked in the mirror and had no idea who that was, then as I sat on my bed I saw the dark figure and told it to simply "fuck off" but it tried to take over my body and when it did I was ready to commit suicide but real Claire managed to fight her way back to front and centre and say no! This is the part where I tell you I have dissasocitive identity disorder, I suffer from severe disassociation and dissasocitive amnesia, I can also become very manic or depressed but will save that...

 Where do I begin... today I really struggled not so much with my addiction but more so my mental health. I broke down to the point where I was hyperventilating and suicide crossed my mind. I have alot going on in my life and I not only battle addiction but I also battle mental health. I won't go into much detail as im just not up for it right now because I feel emotionally drained, but in due time I will eventually share not only my diagnosis,  mental health struggles and the fact im grieving a huge loss of someone I loved and leaned on alot.  However I am aware that emotionally im not doing to well and hoping im not headed for a mental health relapse but I am also very vulnerable right now for  relapse so I need to try and be more self aware, since the age of 16 when my addiction first began my coping mechanism has been to shut down and ignore the ones who love me and just get high but that's not really coping is it, im sure eventually I will get use to sitting wit...

 I decided to try and create a blog and document my recovery in the hopes that I will inspire or help someone else battling addiction even if they are battling in silence, I am here to share my Progress and the good and bad that comes with addiction,  I want to be as raw and honest as possible. Addiction isn't glamourous, its a constant battle everyday of your life, I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy, it can be exhausting, some days are harder then others, im finding recovery this time around is alot harder then last time when I got 8 weeks up but im constantly trying to be productive and utilise my supports as well as be as open as possible even though it makes me feel vulnerable but its better then my usual coping mechanism where I disappear from the people who care about me for 1-2 weeks because emotionally or mentally im struggling or manic and choosing to use drugs instead of be open and honest to the ones I trust and working through whatever I am feeling,  obvio...