I just needed to be alone

https://brand.page/clairejourneytoabetterlife Today has gone by fast, Ive had alot of anxiety and a moment that lasted maybe an hour an half where nothing felt real, my body was numb and I felt very confused. But I have put alot of hours into creating my online buisness and i officially own the slogan that i have posted above, I payed for it and got my very own website, I did try and add the link to this blog entry but not sure if it worked and to be honest I don't really want to spend anynore time fixing it playing around with things just to make the link work so you might have to copy and paste the URL into your browser. I don't even know if this is going to be a success or not but you know what its actually keeping me clean and sober. I dedicate hours into all this online forum stuff that I have created and it keeps my mind busy. I've already got merchandise im tweaking in hopes that I'll get some donations through my pay pal to help me purchase my merchandise that I have created, ive even created and ordered flyers to go into people's mail boxes. Im just so passionate about helping others, I know alot of people stereo type a addict and think they're nothing but scum but the reality of it is that most addicts are addicts because they have some really messed up internal struggles or mental illness and getting high is there way out of it all, im not trying to make excuses for addicts im just stating facts, and in the end a addict will do alot of negative self talk and that makes them think they aren't worthy enough to have a proper life, or society, friends or family members put them down on a regular basis or scream and yell at them for relapsing or using ecT, and you know what its not helpful. I lost my dad in "March 2023" and he was an addict and battled mental health, unfortunately I followed in his foot steps but because of that in some twisted way we leaned on one another for support and we understood each other, not once did we ever put each other down. Id seen my dad as a broken man more times then I can count, he lived a very lonely life because he chose to hide his addiction and deny it to everyone except me when it was obvious but I guess maybe in a way he wasn't proud to be an addict and maybe it brought him so much shame and misery, he had so many regrets in his life and he tried helping me so many times clean my life up because he "didn't want me to end up like him" his words not mine... I told my aunty that i was afraid i was going to end up like him and die the same way he did and she said to me i won't because im honest about my battle with addiction and i always try to seek mental health support before I completely loose myself and become unable to voice what I need because mentally ive "checked out". So I guess in a way im starting this online buisness in memory of my dad because loosing him has been extremely hard like im not really coping with it at all because I feel lost in the world without him but the least I can do is actually make something of his death because he always wanted to help others in addiction ect. I never even knew that I wanted to start a business, I was literally just sitting there alone in my house a week ago craving drugs so bad and then I said aloud "fuck this shit im not doing this anymore" then suddenly all of these thoughts and ideas started flowing through my brain and I sat there for 7 hours working out what my idea was trying to pick apart the overflowing thoughts and ideas that flooded my head, I actually questioned if I was manic but who cares if I was or not im actually impressed with myself and I hope and pray that I can actually reach out and change lives around the world just from simply supporting another human being during their darkest times or time of need because you know what drug addicts or "junkies" are human beings too just like you they just lost there way at some point in there lives. So before you judge just remember that addict could be someone's daughter, son, brother, sister, cousin, partner, someone loves that person and the fact their loved one has clearly lost there way in life is heart breaking for them. I break my mothers heart eveytime I relapse because seeing me loose my way isn't what she wanted for me, she didn't want me to have this battle with addiction and mental illness, she would never wish ill of me and im learning that she cares more then I realise and it absolutely shatters me knowing my mother probably puts her head down every night probably stressing ayout what im doing, ive learnt to respond to her calls and text as well as when everyone else who loves me tries to contact me I have to answer or respond otherwise they begin to worry and thats not what im all about, I don't want my family to stress or worry that's not my intentions, whenever my mother comes around to my house to check on me she hopes and probably prays that she isn't going to come over and find me dead just because I havnt answered my phone or texted, it doesn't help I was on life support in December 2022 from a suicide attempt, she nearly lost me for good and you know what thats the reality of addiction it rips families apart and causes so much anxiety and heartache, addiction is literally the definition of insanity because it doesn't do anything for you but help you run from whatever it is your running from, yeah in the beginning it might be fun but once your hooked its all down hill from there. Anyways thats where im at right now. Ive also thought about giving up day hab which is a outpatient rehab program because not only do I need to focus on my mental health but ive also now got this online buisness or community support group whatever you want to call it ive got that to focus on and its helping me stay clean.Im still working with a drug and alcohol support worker and am on the wait list to go into inpatient rehab and ive just finished drug and alcohol counselling, twice a week I go to a group where we share where we are at and offer feedback if we can relate ect. Day hab is a outpatient rehab program but I honestly think ive been trying to do way to many things all at the same time and its affecting my mental health in a negative way so something has to give. Remember to stay strong and keep pushing on no matter how much you want to give up, you've got this, surround yourself with the people who want the best for you not the ones who judge you and dismiss you. And to my family i am sorry i didn't get back to you today and could only send a text, today I had to focus on me and really think about what im needing and wanting right now, try sort my head out in the process, today i just wanted to be alone. Xxx