Mental Health Relapse

Dark Personality Swap

In a dissasocitive state

 With a cigarette in my mouth you can see the disassociation or more so the personality swap. On Friday I had an absolute meltdown, it was a severe dissasocitive episode, it started out with me obsessively messaging a friend for 2 hours straight making absolutely no sense, which then turned into me hyperventilating walking around the house talking to myself saying "this isn't happening this can't be happening your okay", at one point i looked in the mirror and had no idea who that was, then as I sat on my bed I saw the dark figure and told it to simply "fuck off" but it tried to take over my body and when it did I was ready to commit suicide but real Claire managed to fight her way back to front and centre and say no! This is the part where I tell you I have dissasocitive identity disorder, I suffer from severe disassociation and dissasocitive amnesia, I can also become very manic or depressed but will save that for another day. Cut the story short I ended up in hospital and honestly it was a blur ,the last 7 days have been a blur. Cut the story short I ended up being admitted to the psych ward once again and only got out today.

Through all of this I found out im back being case managed by the hospital,  so back in the hospital system, how do I feel about that? Not really sure, I mean yes it has its benefits like getting the things you need but it also has its downside such as they can admit you to psych at any point in time wether you like it or not.

So not only do I battle with drug addiction on a daily basis but I also battle with my mental health on a daily basis. I take 4 anti psychotic a day as well as one tablet for anxiety and depression, I mean yeah I don't get psychosis anymore but my moods need to stabilise a little bit better, so back to the psychiatrist next week. That's the most frustrating part about medication,  it does its job for a little while but then you build up a tolerance and it just doesn't work as effectively. 

Does my mental health impact wether or not I use drugs? Yes it does, if im having a low or experiencing severe mania that's when I am more at risk of a relapse. How do I manage this? I either sleep alot or I surround myself with the people who love me even if leaving the house is the last thing I want to do.  

Your probably wondering why I have posted such terrible pictures of myself on this blog post, but im trying to show you the difference in my eyes when having a personality swap to that evil nasty one who just wants me dead and then me disassociating, do you see the difference in my eyes? It doesn't matter if I've completely checked out or half way there I always manage to take photos, im not really sure but its fascinating. So I guess I started this blog to share my recovery with drug addiction but I think I may also share my struggles with mental illness.

Xxx