Turning the Corner

Had all night to think about what I really want, something I don't really like doing as it comes with emotions and feelings which is what I aim to avoid and is majority of the reason why I use. I ended up making a list of things I need to do and my goal is to do it all by Sunday. Today I managed to achieve one of those things and im proud of myself for doing something normal. spent most of the night out with music pumping then I decided it was time to try and get some normality back in my life. The child protection worker called me in the morning and honestly it was a blessing because I finally broke down and just spilled out everything and she said she was really worried about me and is going to contact my drug and alcohol worker to try get me into detox quicker. I spent the night thinking back to my sober days and how good it felt to be alive, unfortunately when things happen in my life like grief I have a habit of trying to push on and then all of a sudden it just hits me and I crumble and end up in a spiral of a cycle just so i don't have to feel, on top of that its been 6 months since my kids lived with me so I basically have nothing, well that's what it feels like anyways. I don't love myself anymore, I hate myself and im ashamed of myself and thats the real reason i don't answer phone calls to my family because why should they have to hear me break down, it would only make them worry sone more. I've had alot of people reach out to me today and I've broken down so many times and I can feel my mind slowly turning back to real Claire, the Claire who had goals and ideas, the claire who always had a list of things that needed to be done. I've decided to cut my use down, because of the way I use and the fact I've been using ridiculous amounts the withdrawal from that can be dangerous, atleast if I get into detox quickly I can be monitored because honestly im done, I don't want to do this anymore, I can't handle the fact that im hurting the people who love me,and to be honest I didn't expect this kind of support, I expected everyone to just walk away from me and that would have made it easier for me because nothing would pull on my heart strings.

Another photo to show my reality in this very moment, im hot, my head aches because my stomach hurts from no food, my eyes feel dry because I havbt slept, nothing about this is fun, nothing about this is okay, i still have that dream of bringing awareness to addiction and sharing my very raw relapse is making me feel uneasy but I will get myself right again and the people who follow me can take this journey with me. Active addiction can strike at any moment , dont ever let your guard down when it comes to this shit, it's like the devil, this is a life long battle that you must stay on top off all the time otherwise it will chew you up and spit you back out without a care in the world and truth be told nobody is your friend when it comes to drugs so don't ever think you have mates in this world because you don't, mates don't encourage you to do drugs or turn a blind eye while you sit in the back of there car shooting up, mates don't commit crime with you just so you can get your next hit. Xxx