Day 2 of wearing the same clothes, forever stuck in this car going everywhere but home. Stuck in this hole that I can't seem to climb out of, so much negative self talk towards myself, I managed to come down over the weekend and when I say come down I mean I came down hard, slept heaps and the sweat just poured off me as the toxins tried to escape my body, I felt like my head was being crushed and my body ached the only thing that fixed it was getting high again yesterday and today but the drugs don't seem to hit like they use to, ive been doing this long enough to know that im in a pretty big hole and its going to take a army to get me sober again,. I can't believe im in this position again, it hasn't been this bad in years. I think I need to ask my drug and alcohol worker if she can get my into detox, completely remove myself from the situation. I can't let my family and kids see me like this, in ashamed of myself and I know im not in a good place. Hanging around with criminals is not my ideal of a lifestyle, there's no friends when it comes to the streets. I havnt had a decent meal in maybe over a week, sometimes im going 2-3 days without food until my stomach hurts. My dogs miss me, last night my oldest dog just wanted to cuddle into me he didn't want to leave my side and his not normally like that. I just need to get a hold of myself, I spoke to my case manager today and she said she's going to get me into see a psychologist because lately I can't afford to see my psychologist that I was seeing fortnightly for 3 years, and I can see the effects of not seeing my psychologist on a regular basis. I need therapy to cope with the loss of my dad because deep down im blaming myself for his death. I havnt seen my kids in 2 weeks because I think they're better off without me like I feel like I'm just a piece of shit and internally im struggling, I don't love myself. Today my case manager asked me when was the last time I felt happy and I had to think for a minute and realised the last time I felt happy was October last year 2022.
Please grant me the serenity to accept everything I can not change.
Im not religious but I pray I find the strength to give myself a better life. To not make the ones who love me stress all the time.
Xxx
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