Stuck in This Hole

Day 2 of wearing the same clothes, forever stuck in this car going everywhere but home. Stuck in this hole that I can't seem to climb out of, so much negative self talk towards myself, I managed to come down over the weekend and when I say come down I mean I came down hard, slept heaps and the sweat just poured off me as the toxins tried to escape my body, I felt like my head was being crushed and my body ached the only thing that fixed it was getting high again yesterday and today but the drugs don't seem to hit like they use to, ive been doing this long enough to know that im in a pretty big hole and its going to take a army to get me sober again,. I can't believe im in this position again, it hasn't been this bad in years. I think I need to ask my drug and alcohol worker if she can get my into detox, completely remove myself from the situation. I can't let my family and kids see me like this, in ashamed of myself and I know im not in a good place. Hanging around with criminals is not my ideal of a lifestyle, there's no friends when it comes to the streets. I havnt had a decent meal in maybe over a week, sometimes im going 2-3 days without food until my stomach hurts. My dogs miss me, last night my oldest dog just wanted to cuddle into me he didn't want to leave my side and his not normally like that. I just need to get a hold of myself, I spoke to my case manager today and she said she's going to get me into see a psychologist because lately I can't afford to see my psychologist that I was seeing fortnightly for 3 years, and I can see the effects of not seeing my psychologist on a regular basis. I need therapy to cope with the loss of my dad because deep down im blaming myself for his death. I havnt seen my kids in 2 weeks because I think they're better off without me like I feel like I'm just a piece of shit and internally im struggling, I don't love myself. Today my case manager asked me when was the last time I felt happy and I had to think for a minute and realised the last time I felt happy was October last year 2022. Please grant me the serenity to accept everything I can not change. Im not religious but I pray I find the strength to give myself a better life. To not make the ones who love me stress all the time. Xxx

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New beginnings

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im broke down and tired, I had a couple of days where I relapsed and I hit it pretty hard, at one point my chest ached, my heart had palpitations but that didn't stop me, what's another shot of meth right? I passed out 3 times. My body can't take it anymore, it scares the hell out of me but yet I keep going back to it and I don't know why. I'm so ready to just cut everyone off because maybe it's better that way, nobody will have to see the aftermath of my relapse. I havnt even seen my kids in nearly 2 weeks, I sit there going through my videos and pictures on my phone of the kids and the tears just flow as my heart shatters even more, I don't think anyone actually realises how much it shatters me and rips me apart not having my kids, they all probably just think im some unstable junkie. I don't even like being high, I do it the most dangerous way, i inject methamphetamine and I inject lethal amounts, I know its disgusting, it makes me feel sick, dizzy...

118 days

I made it to 118 days clean and sober, woohoo! I am 13 weeks into rehab, I graduate on the 14th December 2023 then stick around until the 9th January 2024, then I am off to another rehab for a further 16 weeks until the end of April 2024. I feel so blessed to have all of these opportunities, I truly feel like I am just starting my life for the first time in 30 years. People at rehab have been commenting on my slight weight loss, ive been eating healthy and exercising everyday so it's about time! I feel great! drugs never made me thin if anything they made me really unfit, atleast now I have some form of a fitness level and muscle tone, im still a big girl but I will get there. I cant believe how well I look compared to when I was on the meth and GHB. I am so proud of myself! I have a plan for after rehab and thats to get a job in a animal shelter or a veterinary clinic, I have started a course in animal care whilst I am in rehab as I am very passionate about animals since I was ...

Mental Health Relapse

Dark Personality Swap In a dissasocitive state With a cigarette in my mouth you can see the disassociation or more so the personality swap. On Friday I had an absolute meltdown, it was a severe dissasocitive episode, it started out with me obsessively messaging a friend for 2 hours straight making absolutely no sense, which then turned into me hyperventilating walking around the house talking to myself saying "this isn't happening this can't be happening your okay", at one point i looked in the mirror and had no idea who that was, then as I sat on my bed I saw the dark figure and told it to simply "fuck off" but it tried to take over my body and when it did I was ready to commit suicide but real Claire managed to fight her way back to front and centre and say no! This is the part where I tell you I have dissasocitive identity disorder, I suffer from severe disassociation and dissasocitive amnesia, I can also become very manic or depressed but will save that...

Claire's Journey... Raw, Real & Honest. Not for anyone under the age of 18.

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