Dad...

Its been a little over 3 months since dad passed while under the influence. In the beginning i spoke to myself and promised i wouldn't turn to drugs like i did when pop passed away infront of me. I was hanging in there for a while and even got myself clean at one point but the panic attacks, hurt, anger, sadness, regret, it all just got to much and kept eating me up inside, the nightmares began and everyday things became harder and harder. The thought crossed my mind so many times to just fuck off from everyone and hit the drugs hard to numb what I was feeling and stop these panic attacks that took alot out of me, it was exhausting, but I hung in there as long as i could and then i just couldn't take it anymore, I couldn't handle the pain I was feeling and its such a complicated grief because my dad battled addiction and mental health and occasionally over the years we dabbled in drugs, it was only ever marijuana until i pushed him to relapse on ice a couple months before he passed and we shot up together, after that he never could look at me without crying and saying he shouldn't have done that, I told him it was okay because I started using like this back in 2017 so it was nothing but normal for me. And what cuts me up the most is that I've been blaming myself for his death, he had gotten help with his mental health and was taking his medication, he was eating healthy and he was truly happy, we even did something normal one day and got a coffee and sat down the beach... but that one particukar day i convinced him to relapse on ice, I understand that he was in control of his own life but im a addict and I know what it takes to convince another addict to relapse, i know the right words to say and I know the right tone of voice to use, every addict has a weak spot. I won't go into detail about how he died but basically I blame myself and I have to live with that everyday. Growing up he wasn't the best dad he had alot of growing up to do and thought more with his dick then his brain and he admitted that to me, he always regretted leaving my mum and always said if he could go back he would have done things differently, he never stopped loving mum who sorted her life out and became a success kicking goals wherever she can. I can't explain how much my dad meant to me even though our relationship could be rocky at times and not how it should be according to society, but at the end of the day we both had the same mental health battle and we were both addicts so in a fucked up way we leaned on one another, so little words had to be spoken to know what each other was going through at one point last year we got into a fight and I smacked the crap out of him and released alot of built up shit and we didn't talk for a couple of months until I got into trouble with the law and needed his advice because just like me he was always in and out of the court system, now im facing 8 charges and there will be more to come because ive been a bit reckless the last 3 weeks and im already out on bail, the other month when I was in court the judge said I had to keep my nose clean and remember the fact that I am on bail until July, my lawyer said im not eligible for a community corrections order because i had one for one of the same charges back in 2016 so its either the ARCH program or prison, right now I could use his advice because how he managed to keep himself out of jail for all them years is beyond me, he wasn't as dumb as most thought. To be honest I feel very lost and alone in the world without him and I often wonder where he is and what his doing and at times I just want to be with him but then I think of how my kids would feel, they would feel just as I do. Sobriety is harder this time around because I just fall into a heap when im sober and the pain is like no other i have ever experienced. Life hasn't been good to me in the last 30 years, since I was a little girl Ive thought about death, when I was growing up I always said I wasn't going to make it past 30, but i didnt expect to have 4 children by the age of 22, and honestly they saved me but they havnt been in my care since December 2022 because I tried to take my life and ended up on life support in ICU and i still have my days where i just don't understand how or why im still here like i didn't just wake up one day and try and kill myself id been depressed for 2 months leading up to it and had thought about committing suicide 3 weaks before i attempted it, ive been told by so many doctors and health professionals and loved ones how lucky I am to be here, it was literally a miracle but I can't help but feel I survived for what? for life to rip another important person away from me and make me feel lost and alone? whenever I go through highs and lows I think of dad because our highs and lows were in sync, I feel like the hospital system failed him in more ways then one just as they have me, he would slit his wrist so bad that he needed stitches and they'd just stitch him up and send him on his way, most people saw him as a failure but I saw him as a broken soul because I feel broken to... it takes alot of patience and understanding to handle someone with complex mental health issues and addiction. im considered a "complex patient" because I have multiple diagnosis which im going to list and later on in one of my blogs i will open up and explain what each one is... im diagnosed with- *Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, *ADHD, *Psychosis, *Dissasocitive Identity Disorder, *Depersonalisation/Derealisation Disorder, *Substance use Disorder, *Sensory Processing Disorder, Each one brings its own challenges and as a result im case managed by the hospital system, i get regular doctor and psychiatrist reviews. I have medical documents that go into detail about my battle with mental health, im classed as complex because I have multiple diagnosis and my dad did too. I take 4 anti psychotics a day that prevent psychosis and extreme anger blackouts which can make me a danger to myself and others. I know how important therapy and medication is. I don't even know who I am half the time and pretty much everyone doesn't know how to take me, thats why I don't make friends or get too close to people because they think they can handle me but after a while they bail on me so I'd rather fly solo and not get close to other humans, i can be toxic but i can also love in a way that most people have never been loved before and in the beginning they think its great and then the negative side of me starts creeping in and they begin to realise im more work then im worth. My dad just understood me he was the only person in the world that could just look at me and know straight up how I was feeling and what I was going through because majority of the time I can't express or put into words whats going on internally, everyone else is always second guessing , ive had people and family ask me what's wrong and I could be having the best day ever and feel really happy they don't understand that I lack emotion on my face and im not very forthcoming, sometimes my mind races and I just simply can't get out whats going on, my sister can see when I swap in personalities though but thats about it. I just wish rehab would come quicker because im ready to just remove myself and deal with this pain I feel within myself away from everyone in a safe space and place and I don't want the people who love me see me that way just as I don't want them to see me in active addiction, my face doesn't look the same, my pants always falling down my t shirts getting baggy because I never have a appetite, my dads bracelet and my pandora bracelet that I wear constantly getting looser around my wrist . I don't have hope for the future I use to when I was growing up, I grew up in family violence, drugs, I was raped at 16 which is when my addiction began, I went through domestic violence, more rape and abuse, I got sober for a few years learnt to love life i spent years in therapy in and out of psych wards and relapsing , had my pop die infront of me, my father overdose infront of me not to long after that and end up in icu, I lost a good mate id known since primary school, just a bunch of shit, the only good that ever came out of my life was my 4 beautiful children and if it wasn't for them I would have died a very long time ago, so yeah I don't hope for the future anymore. Xxx