Dont Give up

As i look down at my arm im reminded not to give up. As i look into my eyes I see nothing but pain and misery. I have nothing in my life anynore because that's what this drug does. Today I was told im not allowed to see my children or have video calls with them but am able to have the occasional phone call with them as long as my sister thinks im fit too, because they want me to go to detox and rehab first, so it's going to be a really long time until I see my babies and I havbt quite got my head around that because it hurts so much, its my baby girls 10th birthday in a few weeks and she's going to be absolutely shattered because we had her birthday all planned out we even went online shopping with shein and ordered matching dresses, now I just feel like I've ruined her birthday. Like wow look what I've put my kids through in the last 7 months, back in December I tried to take my life by overdosing on muscle relaxants and ended up in a comba on life support, then voluntarily given them up temporarily out of guilt and to get better within myself but now look at me im just a junkie like i use to be so strong and always picked myself back up but ive felt defeated for a really long time now and nothings getting better everything just seems to get worse, im so alone, all these drug addicts don't care about me, this life is cold and harsh. I had a comprehensive assessment done today for rehab, the lady said im not far off detox and rehab and I told her I was scared I wasn't going to make it, everyday I pray to live another day and not loose my battle with addiction just like my dad did. If I don't have it for a little bit my head is in pain and I get dizzy and light headed, my body aches, my muscles start cramping up and I get nausea and vomiting not to mention cold sweats and the only thing that makes it all go away is having a shot and the woman told me today to start by delaying having a shot for 30 minutes then slowly reduce the amount im having in a shot and to get some special injection thing starting with n to have on hand so if I overdose the person in with can inject it into me and it will reverse the effects of the drug and save my life, she also said I can't go cold Turkey because im likely to have a seizure and when I go to detox they will most likely put me on methadone to help me withdrawal safely. How did my life get like this honestly I can't do it anymore, I pray detox and rehab come very soon because I don't want to loose this battle, everyone that lives me is already hurting enough. Just please if your battling your own addiction reach out and get help, dome let the feeling of shame prevent you from getting help, do it before its to late, this isn't a life, its the definition of hell and if your thinking about trying drugs just walk away and don't let anyone peer pressure you into using, its not worth it. Xxx