Skip to main content

Broken Down and Tired

Image
By Claire Margaret
im broke down and tired, I had a couple of days where I relapsed and I hit it pretty hard, at one point my chest ached, my heart had palpitations but that didn't stop me, what's another shot of meth right? I passed out 3 times. My body can't take it anymore, it scares the hell out of me but yet I keep going back to it and I don't know why. I'm so ready to just cut everyone off because maybe it's better that way, nobody will have to see the aftermath of my relapse. I havnt even seen my kids in nearly 2 weeks, I sit there going through my videos and pictures on my phone of the kids and the tears just flow as my heart shatters even more, I don't think anyone actually realises how much it shatters me and rips me apart not having my kids, they all probably just think im some unstable junkie. I don't even like being high, I do it the most dangerous way, i inject methamphetamine and I inject lethal amounts, I know its disgusting, it makes me feel sick, dizzy, disorientated occasionally I pass out or sometimes my eyes feel like they're rolling into the back of my head but it doesn't stop me, it scares me, I need help before i die, inside im broken and in pain. Im on the wait list for inpatient rehab. What i don't need is for the ones who are suppose to love me put me down, tell me im ridiculous or to show up to my kids football so my kids can see what kind of state im in, that kind of shit breaks me down and makes me feel like Im just some disappointment and everyone's better of without me. Xxx

Comments

  1. AnonymousJune 4, 2023 at 9:46 PM

    Never give up Claire I know who you can be and she is still in the I know it can't be easy but you can find her

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

New beginnings

By Claire Margaret
I havnt posted in a while but life has turned around for the better and is so wonderful now! I am proud to be clean and sober since 27th July 2023 which is when I entered detox. The first 3 days were the hardest I have ever done at one point I was hunched over in the nurses room with one rubbing stuff into my neck another getting me to sniff Tiger balm oil while another got me valiums and anti nausea tablets, but I made it through however I will never forget that experience, I much would have rather had the flu however I needed to go through it, I spent 11 days in detox. Now im in rehab for the next 16 weeks and I love it here, the wild life is amazing, im so happy and I wake up super early everyday , im always smiling. The program is full on but I can handle it and they love me here, ive been giving good feedback my case manager told me that im a big personality and to remember that not everyone is like me and that sometimes I need to tone it down a bit haha, I literally make eve...
2 comments
Read more

90 days!

By Claire Margaret
yesterday I hit 90 days, I can not believe it, I am so proud of myself. The growth in the last 11 months is unbelievable , I don't know when the last time I was 90 days sober, its been years! I just found out that my application for another rehab has been submitted so hopefully I get in and can go straight after I graduate at this rehab in December. To think it was only 11 months ago I was laying in a comba fighting for my life from a almost successful suicide attempt then I went to a mental health treatment centre at the start of the year, dad lost his battle to addiction in march that was devastating i will never forget the moment i found out and how i just broke down and fell to pieces because he was my best friend, then I hit the drugs hard, hardest i ever have to the point where I was at deaths door myself following dad in his footsteps which was the plan then suddenly when I had completely giving up i got into detox then rehab and now 91 days clean and sober like wow! I h...
Post a Comment
Read more

118 days

By Claire Margaret
I made it to 118 days clean and sober, woohoo! I am 13 weeks into rehab, I graduate on the 14th December 2023 then stick around until the 9th January 2024, then I am off to another rehab for a further 16 weeks until the end of April 2024. I feel so blessed to have all of these opportunities, I truly feel like I am just starting my life for the first time in 30 years. People at rehab have been commenting on my slight weight loss, ive been eating healthy and exercising everyday so it's about time! I feel great! drugs never made me thin if anything they made me really unfit, atleast now I have some form of a fitness level and muscle tone, im still a big girl but I will get there. I cant believe how well I look compared to when I was on the meth and GHB. I am so proud of myself! I have a plan for after rehab and thats to get a job in a animal shelter or a veterinary clinic, I have started a course in animal care whilst I am in rehab as I am very passionate about animals since I was ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Mental Health Relapse

By Claire Margaret
Dark Personality Swap In a dissasocitive state  With a cigarette in my mouth you can see the disassociation or more so the personality swap. On Friday I had an absolute meltdown, it was a severe dissasocitive episode, it started out with me obsessively messaging a friend for 2 hours straight making absolutely no sense, which then turned into me hyperventilating walking around the house talking to myself saying "this isn't happening this can't be happening your okay", at one point i looked in the mirror and had no idea who that was, then as I sat on my bed I saw the dark figure and told it to simply "fuck off" but it tried to take over my body and when it did I was ready to commit suicide but real Claire managed to fight her way back to front and centre and say no! This is the part where I tell you I have dissasocitive identity disorder, I suffer from severe disassociation and dissasocitive amnesia, I can also become very manic or depressed but will save that...
Post a Comment
Read more