Claire's Journey , the struggles, the easy days... The reality

https://brand.page/clairejourneytoabetterlife Today has gone by fast, Ive had alot of anxiety and a moment that lasted maybe an hour an half where nothing felt real, my body was numb and I felt very confused. But I have put alot of hours into creating my online buisness and i officially own the slogan that i have posted above, I payed for it and got my very own website, I did try and add the link to this blog entry but not sure if it worked and to be honest I don't really want to spend anynore time fixing it playing around with things just to make the link work so you might have to copy and paste the URL into your browser. I don't even know if this is going to be a success or not but you know what its actually keeping me clean and sober. I dedicate hours into all this online forum stuff that I have created and it keeps my mind busy. I've already got merchandise im tweaking in hopes that I'll get some donations through my pay pal to help me purchase my merchand

Dark Personality Swap In a dissasocitive state  With a cigarette in my mouth you can see the disassociation or more so the personality swap. On Friday I had an absolute meltdown, it was a severe dissasocitive episode, it started out with me obsessively messaging a friend for 2 hours straight making absolutely no sense, which then turned into me hyperventilating walking around the house talking to myself saying "this isn't happening this can't be happening your okay", at one point i looked in the mirror and had no idea who that was, then as I sat on my bed I saw the dark figure and told it to simply "fuck off" but it tried to take over my body and when it did I was ready to commit suicide but real Claire managed to fight her way back to front and centre and say no! This is the part where I tell you I have dissasocitive identity disorder, I suffer from severe disassociation and dissasocitive amnesia, I can also become very manic or depressed but will save that

 Where do I begin... today I really struggled not so much with my addiction but more so my mental health. I broke down to the point where I was hyperventilating and suicide crossed my mind. I have alot going on in my life and I not only battle addiction but I also battle mental health. I won't go into much detail as im just not up for it right now because I feel emotionally drained, but in due time I will eventually share not only my diagnosis,  mental health struggles and the fact im grieving a huge loss of someone I loved and leaned on alot.  However I am aware that emotionally im not doing to well and hoping im not headed for a mental health relapse but I am also very vulnerable right now for  relapse so I need to try and be more self aware, since the age of 16 when my addiction first began my coping mechanism has been to shut down and ignore the ones who love me and just get high but that's not really coping is it, im sure eventually I will get use to sitting with my feelin

 I decided to try and create a blog and document my recovery in the hopes that I will inspire or help someone else battling addiction even if they are battling in silence, I am here to share my Progress and the good and bad that comes with addiction,  I want to be as raw and honest as possible. Addiction isn't glamourous, its a constant battle everyday of your life, I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy, it can be exhausting, some days are harder then others, im finding recovery this time around is alot harder then last time when I got 8 weeks up but im constantly trying to be productive and utilise my supports as well as be as open as possible even though it makes me feel vulnerable but its better then my usual coping mechanism where I disappear from the people who care about me for 1-2 weeks because emotionally or mentally im struggling or manic and choosing to use drugs instead of be open and honest to the ones I trust and working through whatever I am feeling,  obviously w