Claire Margaret
Hello to the people that take the time out to read my blog entries!!! Sorry i didnt post last Thursday, so i will try and make this post worth your while!... Where have i been at in the last 2 weeks??? Well i am still sober! But it hasnt been easy lately because i have been very emotional over a number of things and even have silent cries when i am by myself occasionally. I dont consider myself a very emotional person so to be this emotional lately is kind of weird, like i actually care alot about stuff, things and people even strangers!!! Well the Claire in active addiction isnt emotional she is a piece of work, so maybe this is just me evolving on my journey, considering i was a addict for 15 years or so and now i am 32 years old discovering who i am as a adult person for the first time ever which is weird. Anyways i have been watching alot of tribute videos that loved ones have published about there person they lost through overdose and honestly i just cry and cry and cry when i see them and i think about the fact that i am still here and how sad it would have been if i lost my battle with addiction also, how my oldest son would never of gotten the chance to tell me how he really feels and release all of that anger, hurt and pain he has inside of him. i dont talk about my kids but maybe i should share a little now... so i have 4 beautiful children, 13 year old twins, a 11 year old and a 10 year old they dont live with me, i gave them to my sister and ger husband voluntarily 2 and half years ago because i felt i couldnt give them the stability they deserve and need because of my mental health and it was honestly one of the hardest things i have ever done and if anything my drug addiction became so out of control because i felt like a failure as a mother and i had no kids living in the home to ground me, i was self medicating and detaching myself from my reality because i couldnt cope with it, the reason i gave them to my sister and brother in law was because i had been depressed for 2 months and seeking help but the hospital system failed mee and turned me away everytime i reached out so on 12/12/2023 i filled my sons prescription of baclofen 100 tablets of 10mgs and i swallowed about 60-70 of them and ended up in a comba on life support so i am lucky to be here. But i am so thankful to be alive today because i never knew i could have a life as good as this one right now. so anyways my oldest son doesnt speak to me because of his upbringing and things that i have done as well as the constant let downs in the 2 year period and his whole life in general, in the 2 year period that i was in and out of heavy active addiction like one minute i was apart of there lives then next minute they wouldn't hear from me for weeks because i had relapsed and was off my face everyday on drugs so it didnt feel like weeks to me but to them it probably felt like a life time, i wasnt there when they needed me and the times they tried calling me because they were upset or just needed advice and i carry alot of guilt because of that.. So yeah thats a bit about myself and my children, a little bit of history.
Anyways i have also been a bit emotional lately because i miss my mum, i havnt spoken to my mum for the last 8 months because of a mistake i did, i believed the people who i thought were like family instead of my actual family were trustworthy and believable and i put my mum through so much over the years talking to her like shit and not appreciating her and not realising until she wasnt in my life anymore, i broke her heart and thats heavy to handle but even though i miss her i know im not ready to speak to her yet, i would rather speak to her once ive completed my course gotten a job and atleast a year and half sober because right now even though i miss my family i got to do me because i believe the first 12 months of sobriety are crucial.
I dyed my hair over the weekend, i was half brown and half blonde for couple years then i went bleached blonde a few months ago and this time i have gone dark blonde/light brown because i feel like i need a new and better loook i feel like this colour softens me up a bit and shows off my facial features.
Last but not least i received the best news ever on Friday just gone!!! So i have enrollled to do cert 4 in drug and alcohol at RMIT University for 12 months starting july this year '2025' well anyways i dont work as its hard to get a job with my criminal record so imm on the pension and there eas no way i could afford the tuition fees so i applied to have the tuition fees waivered and i had to write out something to explain why i believed i deserve this and guess what i got granted it!!! so all i have to do is pay for my books!!! i am so excited for this course because i want to work in a detox centre and be there at someoness beginning of their journey!!!
okay thats it for now, speak next week!!!
claire xo
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