I havnt posted a blog in i think maybe a week, mainly because I tried to detox for a few days on my own with my mates help and encouragement and let me just say it was not pretty, I had a severe anxiety attack at one point and just cried for 3 hours straight just hating on myself and my life, thinking about my children and my family and what they must be going through, I havnt seen them in 6 or 7 weeks now. My family don't even bother to ring me anymore because they know I probably won't answer so they text me instead which im much more comfortable with, but yesterday my amazing and very beautiful nan who means the whole friggin world to me rocked up at my door after not seeing me for a month and half and obviously I had to answer the door because I couldn't turn anyone away let alone my own family, I opened the door and there was my little nan standing there on the other side with a look of sadness in her face and eyes and she said "I just needed to see you" and then gave me the longest hug I've ever had, she said she doesn't care what I look like or what state im in she just needs to see me, I let her come in and she gave my dogs some food because nan is all about spoiling the furbabies, she's a animal lover and cherishes dogs just like my pop did and I do. My pop use to say "never trust somebody who doesn't trust a dog", alot of people don't realise how intuitive dogs are and how they can be good therapy in times of need because they're so intune with your emotions and things but anyways me and nan ended up taking my 2 furbabies for a walk around the block and she asked me how much weight I had lost since she last saw me a month and half ago and I don't actually know, Ive noticed my clothes are becoming baggie and my bracelets are becoming more loose as the weeks go by and my watch has to be alot tighter otherwise it's loose but I havnt really payed much attention or really acknowledge it at all, nan said she thinks ive lost atleast 10kgs since she saw me last and when she said that it was just another reminder of how bad my addiction is, I try and eat atleast one meal here and there and its not because i have no money for food its because im just not interested in eating another thing that comes hand in hand with heavy addiction I suppose... anyways nan showing up out of nowhere was actually a really good thing because it broke the ice and suddenly I was able to open up to her and my mum and my sister instead of being closed off and alone by choice and it made me realise how selfish ive been thinking that staying away is best for everyone when my nan just lost her son 3 months ago to addiction (my dad) and she's not coping at all and I should be there for her , she's been having anxiety attacks and other things that I won't go into detail about as its not my journey to share but when she opened up to me I could relate 100% because that's how I feel since his passed and I have struggled with anxiety attacks since we lost dad in such a horrific way thats one of my main excuses to use, I use so im emotionally numb and don't have to go through the emotions of this hard as fuck grief, loosing someone to addiction is such a fucked up feeling so many mixed emotions and feelings its not like when we lost pop to cancer, we knew pop was going to die but dads death was sudden and he was such a broken man and so misunderstood but im not saying I don't acknowledge his bad life choices and mistakes because im aware of all that too but yet here I am on the same path as him and everyday I pray I don't loose this battle like he did because I don't want to put my loved ones through what im going through or most of all what my nan is going through, that was her son and we aren't supposed to outlive our babies, so today im going to buy 2 coffees and go around to nans and spend the day with her, help her do a few things around the house which will help me also, apart of me is feeling uneasy about it because I know I will have to face some hard emotions that I've been avoiding for the last 6-7 weeks because I will be forced to be in reality but it needs to be done my nan needs me... its also my daughters 10th birthday tomorrow and even though I'm not allowed to see her or video call her ive spent the last week planning her present and making it fun with every single photo I could find if me and her printed off with notes on the back of them and all sorts of gifts with letters and notes attached to the gifts for her to hold onto and its all going to get to her wrapped up in a big cardboard box and when she opens it there's going to be lots and lots of glitter and confetti as well as little balloons and individually wrapped presents but I know the letters,notes and photos will mean the most to her as out of all my 4 kids she's the one who hasn't been coping the best, well so im told, and it shatters me knowing how much hurt, worry and damage I have caused my loved one's and the worry they feel with me being so far into this active addiction... I found out I have a bed in rehab Im just waiting on a bed in detox because they want me to do 8 days there first then go straight from there to rehab for 4 months or more or less, depends how I handle the program, but honestly I'm ready for it, im ready to face my demons head on, to go through all the emotional shit ive been through and accept that what is just is and be able to do it in safe environment so if I get really depressed again like I did back in December and ended up on life support after a suicide attempt because i just couldn't cope anymore, atleast if I get like that again while trying to work through my shit I will be able to do it in a safe place away from everyone that loves me so they too don't have to see my emotiobal pain that i carry with me because its not pretty, nothing about my life is pretty, but I will get through this and I will come out the other side and by the start of next year I would have enrolled myself into a 12 month drug and alcohol support worker course to start my journey on helping others, im going to try and persist with this online forum im trying to build , a place where people can go to support one another during active addiction or sobriety and be able to do it in a safe place where they won't feel judged, stereo typed or discriminated against because drug addiction is a life long battle even if your 5 years clean and sober you still can't let your guard down, at any point your life can drastically change and turn to shit again, iv'e payed for my slogan that I created for my online buissness so I own it and I've designed my own men's and women's clothing with my slogan in the hopes that one day I can sell it and people will wear my designs with pride and feel they are apart of a team wether online or in person and then eventually I hope to hire out my own space with a kitchen and have other addicts either in active addiction or on the sober journey come in and cook a meal for the community. I hope to create and just give everyone a good feed and hopefully have some donations with basic hygiene products that I can make little packs out of and give it to those in need and maybe even having a showering cubicle with some donated clothes to allow others to freshen up because at the end of the day they are human too, and hopefully I can reach out to the prison system and go into prisons and offer support to criminals in prison because that's where their drug addiction took them and help them realise and understand there patterns and behaviours in hopes that when they get released they don't reoffend and live a fulfilling life, obviously I know that I won't be able to get through to everyone and make a positive impact on everyone's lives but if I can just save one life im okay with that but at the same time im not going to sugar coat shit and feel sorry for them because thats not helping anyone and I won't be i will only be putting my tine and energy into those who want to be helped and supported.
Anyways thats enough from me, I need to sort myself out because I have a very big day ahead of me.
Xxx
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