Claire's Journey... Raw, Real & Honest. Not for anyone under the age of 18.

Its been a while since my last blog post and im going to keep this one short. So good news, Im going to detox in a week, that means I just have to stay alive for one more week. I became a priority when I started having blackouts/passing out without warning, apparently its not a good sign, basically means your body has had enough. In detox they take your phone, so for 8 days I will be without a phone whilst I have the biggest come down of my life. I miss my kids so much but i have a plan to get them back. When I look at myself i can see I look sick or something, lately I have felt as though im walking on a fine line between death and living, its a weird feeling and I've never felt like that before. I pray i don't die. Last week I had to get a ECG on my heart and a blood test, my heart wasn't right but im not surprised , i went to one place for the blood test and the woman nearly cried when she looked at my arms and saw all the bruises and track marks all over my arms, she ...

I havnt posted a blog in i think maybe a week, mainly because I tried to detox for a few days on my own with my mates help and encouragement and let me just say it was not pretty, I had a severe anxiety attack at one point and just cried for 3 hours straight just hating on myself and my life, thinking about my children and my family and what they must be going through, I havnt seen them in 6 or 7 weeks now. My family don't even bother to ring me anymore because they know I probably won't answer so they text me instead which im much more comfortable with, but yesterday my amazing and very beautiful nan who means the whole friggin world to me rocked up at my door after not seeing me for a month and half and obviously I had to answer the door because I couldn't turn anyone away let alone my own family, I opened the door and there was my little nan standing there on the other side with a look of sadness in her face and eyes and she said "I just needed to see you" an...

Last night I had a breakdown, I thought about my kids, I thought about my dad and I thought about my family. I just sobbed and sobbed for hours, I wanted to die. I had my mate with me and I just let it all out, I cried and said I couldn't stick one more needle in my arm or take one more plunge of juice (GHB) , he told me if that's what I wanted then I can do it, that he will be there for me over the next few days while I come down. I was so sure I was going to end my life last nigh because I was truly done. Day 1 and I feel like im going to throw up, shit myself, the sweats have started , my body hurts , my skin hurts and my head feels like its been bashed in. I can do this I just need to get through this. I couldn't wait to go to detox , I felt as though I was dying each time I shot up drugs, I truly didn't think I was going go make it to detox so im doing it now.

As i look down at my arm im reminded not to give up. As i look into my eyes I see nothing but pain and misery. I have nothing in my life anynore because that's what this drug does. Today I was told im not allowed to see my children or have video calls with them but am able to have the occasional phone call with them as long as my sister thinks im fit too, because they want me to go to detox and rehab first, so it's going to be a really long time until I see my babies and I havbt quite got my head around that because it hurts so much, its my baby girls 10th birthday in a few weeks and she's going to be absolutely shattered because we had her birthday all planned out we even went online shopping with shein and ordered matching dresses, now I just feel like I've ruined her birthday. Like wow look what I've put my kids through in the last 7 months, back in December I tried to take my life by overdosing on muscle relaxants and ended up in a comba on life support, then...

This isn't really a blog entry that anyone who has an emotional connection and loves me should read as its probably going to be a bit too raw and confronting. The first photo is my Facebook page for 'Recovering Loud and Proud' please follow me if you're interested in my journey or seeking support yourself or whatever reason other then negativity... I also have my merchandise ive created but yet to be made as I'm waiting to see if this all kicks off and I can build a online community/online family across the world where we can go and vent without judgement, share ideas, offer support ect. As for the second photo, I find to be a little confronting. This is a photo I can't remember taking sometime last week. I guess i wanted to see how i looked straight after i had a shot of meth. Its not a pretty site, this is me at some stupid hour of the night meeting up with a dealer outside a car wash to score in another suburb and then pulling down a deserted street wei...

Its been a little over 3 months since dad passed while under the influence. In the beginning i spoke to myself and promised i wouldn't turn to drugs like i did when pop passed away infront of me. I was hanging in there for a while and even got myself clean at one point but the panic attacks, hurt, anger, sadness, regret, it all just got to much and kept eating me up inside, the nightmares began and everyday things became harder and harder. The thought crossed my mind so many times to just fuck off from everyone and hit the drugs hard to numb what I was feeling and stop these panic attacks that took alot out of me, it was exhausting, but I hung in there as long as i could and then i just couldn't take it anymore, I couldn't handle the pain I was feeling and its such a complicated grief because my dad battled addiction and mental health and occasionally over the years we dabbled in drugs, it was only ever marijuana until i pushed him to relapse on ice a couple months befor...

Last Thursday I was brought into hospital by somebody I'd been hanging out with because mentally I had shut down, I hardly remember it, I just remember the psych nurse saying they were holding me for crisis containment, I ended up being in there for 4 or 5 days, they detoxed me and I slept for days, coming down was horrible but they were feeding me so much valium and anti psychotics. Tonight I spoke to my children for the first time in 3 weeks and my daughters got upset on the phone and that shattered me but I expected it. I've promised I will speak to them by phone every night, ive also cleaned my house and done 3 loads of washing so im proud of myself there. im about to write down all the goals I want to achieve, I may not care or love myself but my children need me and I can't keep letting them down. I hope and pray that rehab is just around the corner, im so ready to turn my back on this lifestyle of drugs and crime, I just want a normal life again, like how it use ...